Video Dungeon!

The Bottom 10 Worst Music Videos of All Time

Upon being sworn in as President in 1981, one of Reagan’s first initiatives was the appointment of a committee to lift, what he considered to be, cumbersome federal regulations – most notably, standards that protected the environment. Seven months later, MTV made its first broadcast, and throughout the following eight-years under the administration, visual pollutants corrupted television screens across the nation.

MTV later aired a show counting down, what they considered to be, the worst music videos of the ‘80s – ten four-minute clips that tipped the scales of art and commerce and sent it plummeting into the trash bin. However, in a glaring example of bureaucratic oversight, they limited their research to standard, Top-40 issue from Vanilla Ice, Falco, Gerardo, etc. But if they only delved a little deeper into their archives, they could have offered a sample capable of satisfying sadists around the world.

10. Graham Nash- Innocent Eyes:
The quandary: A rift grows between John Ritter and his teenage daughter. He’s such a square. How can he win back her respect? The Solution: two tickets - Graham Nash live!

9. Joeski Love– Pee Wee Dance:
Paging Mr. Herman? Sadly, in this video, he’s a no show. In his Big Adventure, he wins the approval of a bar full of bikers with his spasmodic moves – smashing up beer mugs, which he calls “break dancing.” Here there’s an added hip-hop angle with the introduction of two rappers who, during a science fair, demonstrate the dance through a series of charts and shoddy, cut-paper animations. Though, none the attendants (not even Ice-T nor Pee Wee’s arch rival, Francis) come close to matching the style of the originator.

8. Stan Bush- The Touch:
Forever famed as that highlight of both the Boogie Nights and Transformers Movie soundtracks, Mr. Bush shows off his powerful guitar licks in front of a blue screen displaying a constant barrage of animated exploding robots.

7. Nolan Thomas- Yo Little Brother:
12-year-old Nolan’s lil’ bro is missin’. Following the trail cigarette butts and beer cans along a row of pastel-colored, cardboard buildings, he comes across a house, “…wit somethin’ goin’ on.” Through the window he spies the world’s smallest Billy Idol impersonator, accompanied by adolescent versions of Cyndi Lauper, Prince, and Ric Ocasek. Unable to convince the ragtag youths to steer from their debauched lifestyle, Nolan resigns and joins the gang as they sashay and cartwheel until the fade. Just say yeah!

6. Kim Mitchell- Go For A Soda:
In the dead of the Canadian winter, two bored teenage boys are stuck at home, making desperate phone calls in the hope to persuade a girl or two to join their impromptu party. What could have turned into a beautiful experiment in homosexuality rather turns into a magical lesson about temperance as a 6-inch Kim Mitchell jumps out of the television and sings about how cola, not booze, will quench one’s thirst for love. The mischievous imp then leads one of the boys to the kitchen where he finds a band of tiny holograms rockin in the refrigerator. After another chorus, they all spin, turning into cans of soda. The boy is so won over by the song he chugs the drummer, and then, the corn syrup rushing to his head, finishes the video in a hyperactive barrage of sugar-fueled dance moves.

5. Grim Reaper- Fear No Evil:
The evil Grim Reaper (the traditional, skull-faced, bringer of death) enslaves a tribe of young metal fans. Imprisoned within his medieval castle, the oppressed orphans toil behind his wheels of pain, (at least he let them keep their souvenir T-shirts). Roused by their portly, torch-wielding lead singer, the good Grim Reaper (that is, the band) stages a rescue mission – a mad maxed-out amphibious assault upon the fortress of fear. Once inside they are faced with the dark one’s henchman, Anubis. The guitarist confronts this dog-faced foe in gladiatorial-style combat – ax against ax. The severe solo causes Anubis to slump to his knees with chest pains. The children of rock are freed and, united with their liberators, face their nefarious captor within his throne room. The black reaper wisely decides not to use his scythe against the courageous flesh army that stands before him, they chanting, “Fear no evil!” whilst excessively shaking their fists. He withdrawals into the alternate dimension from which he came. Long live the metal warriors!

4. Stevie Klien and the U.S. Freestyle Ski Team- Let’s Sweat!:
Stevie may be a lowly David Hasselhoff impersonator, but he hangs with the hippest team at the 1988 Calgary Winter Olympics. “Freestyle” suggests an unconventional approach towards winter sports, and, as implied by this video, that includes a radical hybrid of downhill skiing and rock guitar. Nor does it appear, while competing, that they always wear jackets - a T-shirt and a pair of florescent jams suffice. Why? Stevie gives a clue, singing about one particular member, a special girl who touched his heart, “She works real hard / Yeah, she’s got her dreams / When she’s working she gets REAL HOT / Yeah, she’s sweating steam!.”

3. The Malibu Girls- Goin Crusin:
This video leads me to question the nature of reality vs. perception. For one, I suspect one of the members of the “Malibu Girls” group is a guy. Though, with his red-leather vest and herky-jerky dance moves, he’s obviously a very sexy (or lucky) dude, and he suggestively plays his plastic toy saxophone while the blonde singer urges him to, “Shift me into overdrive! Don’t run out of gas!” The other two members take their turns frolicking with him on the beach. Wait. Have I been fooled by some old Hollywood magic? That’s not a beach, but a set, and my hero can’t seem to fit his red corvette into the tiny studio (a metaphor predating Prince?). The girls run to the gray skies and industrial smokestacks of the outdoors for a final chorus in the convertible with two shadowy figures, in the distant background, hunched over in coats. These girls have not shown me California, but, rather, the California of my dreams.

2. Caspar McCloud- Talk To Me (Your Body Speaks My Language):
Caspar (imagine Bud Bundy with Rod Stewart hair), the lonely artist, is moping by his easel - obviously in a need of some Saturday night action, when he’s visited by a glowing spacecraft, which grants him a magical skullcap, which appears to have been lifted from a SNL Coneheads skit. He’s transported to a disco heaven where people from all cultures of the world, including Indian chieftains and deer-costumed furry freaks, can dance together on an interstellar plain of love and equality. All this boogie fever is intercut, ironically, with random doom and gloom images from Hieronymus Bosch paintings. Caspar’s little secret (which he saves until the end): he has an entire closet full of coneheads. Pondering the limitless possibilities, he gives the camera an unsettling, maniacal smile.

1. Tim Curry– Anything Can Happen On Halloween:
But what’s even more dirturbing is the Cheshire Cat-like grin that the caped Curry makes over his bat-shaped bowtie as he sings “It’s better than a video!” Though, after watching this haunting musical number from the (supposed) children’s film, The Worst Witch, I can’t imagine anything worse. I seriously doubt if it ever aired on MTV, but its mockery of the artform earns it a special place on this list – along with a warning. He has cast a black spell upon my conciousness, bombarding me with nightmarishing visions I fear I may never be able to shake. "Anything can happen on Halloween," he croons. "A dog can turn into a cat." But I now imagine something much much more horrifying: While I sleep, my cat slinking into my bed and turning into a Tim Curry. Applying the cheapest digital/magical effects of 1986, he climaxes with a brazen display of insanity, shouting “Your teacher could become a sardine! Has anybody seen my tamborine?” before sighing a (hopefully) faked orgasm, while his hair turns green, and he disentigrates in front of stock footage of skulls, insects, and exploding fireworks. Admist the chaos, I’m reminded of of another video from the same year, Genesis’s Land Of Confusion, which ended with a puppet of Ronald Regan pushing a red-button labeled “Nuke.” Yes, even the final vision of an atomic blast seems more reassuring.